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Therapy tonight was hard going. A lot came up, including managing emotions, dealing with tough feelings, attachment, amongst other things. Our head was all over the place when we went in, since we’ve not been doing very well over the past couple of days, what with anxiety and stress over mom, life in general, and the psychosis is back also, along with our ptsd symptoms which are hitting us really hard at the moment. I said to Eileen tonight how much I hate the PTSD. It is so debilitating sometimes. Some days its all I can do to manage to crawl out of bed and shuffle through my day. She helped me to ground myself because I was blending with other insiders when we came in. So she walked me around her office, and we touched all the familiar things in the office, like her figurines, crystals, angels, candles, etc etc. She even started naming books off of her book shelf to try to get me to be fully present in her office with her. Eventually it worked and I was more there, more solid and we were able to sit back down and continue the session. At one point in the session she asked me how old I felt…and, I said about 13 or 14. That happens to me spiradically, I’ll feel like I’m younger than I am. It usually happens when I’m in flashbacks or triggered, which I was. Eileen just went with it and she asked the younger part of me not to flood me and she said she was there to support her and we’d support her together. Then we did this exercise about managing emotions. She had me visualise a big room, and put all the emotions into it. Then I was to step outside, and there was a glass window looking into the room which I was to stand at and look through. Then she said there was a dial, like a light dimmer switch, and I could turn the dial down to where I wanted it. So, I turned it right down to 1, so I could barely feel the emotions. She said that I could do this any time I felt overwhelming emotions or any time I felt like they were about to crash over me. Then after we did that we began to talk about attachment. I was telling her how messed up our attachment is, since as a young child we were in hospital a lot, even before we were abused we had a messed up sense of attachment, due to being a premature baby and not being near our mom a lot as a young infant. Eileen said not to feel bad, because a lot of people have a messed up sense of attachment. She said there isnt anything wrong with me and I shouldnt say I’m messed up, that its just part of who I am and now we’re working on it I can form new attachments, you see I was telling her how a lot of people say I attach to people in the wrong way, to soon, not at all, too quickly, not enough, she asked me who said these things and I told her mostly it was professionals over the years who’d said them to me. Then we talked a little about our abuse experiences, how if we attached to people our abusers made sure that we couldnt, by either hurting us, or the person who we attached to, or by making us hurt them. And, if someone said they cared about us, or showed us that they cared, they were made to pay dearly for their actions. So when eileen said she cared about us and what happened to us it hit us hard and we froze up, thinking now something really awful was gonna happen to her. She said our abusers had a really messed up sense of how they did things, that it was really cruel and manipulative and not right. Then she reassured us that she was going to be ok, and that she could look after herself and we werent to be worrying about her. So I said we’d try but that it would be hard as we’re hard wired to worry about her. It was quite a draining session and I was left feeling really tired afterwords but I got a lot out of it too which I am glad about. I really feel so absolutely safe with Eileen, I know no matter what I have to tell her she can and will handle it with great care and compassion.
Carol anne

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