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I GOT TO TALK TO EILEEN ON THURSDAY. I MADE SURE I DID, BECAUSE I TOLD CAROL ANNE THAT I WANTED TIME TO TALK TO HER, I HAD THINGS I NEEDED TO DISCUSS. MAINLY WHAT I WANTED TO DISCUSS WAS MY NEED TO SELF HARM, MY NEED TO CUT BECAUSE I AM STRESSED OUT. AND I WANTED TO PROVE A POINT TO PEOPLE, I WANTED PEOPLE TO NOTICE ME. LATELY THE ONLY TIME I GET NOTICED IS WHEN IM FIXING SOMETHING, OR GETTING OTHER INSIDERS OUT OF A DANGEROUS SITUATION. AND EVER SINCE I TOLD DR BARRY WE ME AND SOME OF MY SYSTEM INSIDE WERE SABBOTAGING THINGS SO WE WERE BECOMING UNSTABLE, AND I PROMISED NOT TO DO IT ANY MORE, SHE’S ON MY CASE, ASKING CAROL ANNE IF I AM DOING WHAT I SAID I’D DO. AND BECAUSE I DONT WANT TO DISAPPOINT HER, BECAUSE I RESPECT HER AND I THINK SHES A GOOD PSYCHIATRIST, I’VE NOT BEEN DOING ANYTHING THAT I SHOULDNT. BUT I FEEL SO VERY STRESSED OUT, LIKE THE ONLY WAY TO GET NOTICED IS DO SOMETHING DRASTIC LIKE CUTTING, CUT WITH A MASSIVE KNIFE AND THEN I’LL GET A RESULT, I’LL GET NOTICED. I KNOW IT WOULD BE FOR ALL THE WRONG REASONS THOUGH, SO I HAVENT CUT. INSTEAD WHEN I WANTED TO CUT THE OTHER NIGHT I WROTE EILEEN AN EMAIL, I LISTENED TO LOUD MUSIC, I WROTE A FEW SENTENCES OF HOW IM FEELING. I STILL DIDNT FEEL MUCH BETTER AFTER THAT THOUGH. IN THERAPY ON THURSDAY EILEEN SAID THAT ITS UNDERSTANDABLE I’D WANT TO DO THOSE THINGS, IF ALL PEOPLE ARE SEEING ME AS IS A FIXER, WHEN IM NOT. IM NOT AND I DONT WANT TO BE. I DO WANT US TO BECOME STABLE THOUGH WHICH IS WHY I’VE NOT SABBOTAGED THE GOOD WORK WE’VE BEEN DOING IN THERAPY, I’VE EVEN BEEN HELPING BY TAKING PART IN THERAPY AS WELL AND WORKING ON ISSUES OF MY OWN. I ALSO TALKED ON THURSDAY ABOUT THE RECENT SPATE OF CULT CONTACTS THAT HAS BEEN OCCURING. I TALKED TO EILEEN ABOUT POSSIBLY GETTING CAMERAS FOR OUR HOME, IF WE CAN AFFORD THEM. SHE THINKS IT WOULD BE GOOD IF WE DID THAT, IT WOULD BE AN EXTRA MEASURE OF SECURITY TO ADD TO OUR HOME WHICH WOULD HELP IN THE LONG RUN. EILEEN ALSO ACKNOWLEDGED THE EFFORTS OF THE DARK INSIDERS, SHE SAID SHE WANTED TO ENSURE THAT WE KNEW THAT SHE KNEW IT WAS HARD FOR US NOT TO RE-CONTACT OLD ABUSERS, AND SHE WAS GRATEFUL WE DIDNT FOR OUR OWN SAFETY, AND THAT SHE WANTED US TO KNOW HOW PROUD OF US SHE IS AND HOW HARD WE’VE BEEN WORKING OVER THE PAS 2 MONTHS. THAT WAS NICE OF HER TO SAY I THOUGHT.
LIZ

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