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Therapy tonight was a mixed bag. We had a lot of things to discuss. Firstly I told Eileen that K, who is Dr Barrys social worker rang me today. She was phoning with an update on getting us a personal alarm. It turns out that because we are not over 65 years of age, we arent eligible for a new alarm, but we can go to the carers association and get a refurbished one for 50 euros. K said that there is nothing wrong with the refurbished alarms, its just that somebody else has used them before. After you pay the initial 50 euro for the device, it then costs 65 euro a year to have a company monitor your house. For people who dont know, the personal alarm would be used so that if I had an emergency, like if I fell, or if people were outside banging on our door like has been happening, then I could press it and the company would be alerted and get in touch with the contacts on my list. Eileen thinks that its a great idea and so do I. I was trying to get my mom to see today how important it is to have it. She doesnt quite get it, but then again, she doesnt know the full extent of the things that have been happening for us lately. So after we finished talking about that, I told Eileen that some memories have been leaking through to me from some of the kids, mainly taylor and lexi. They were in pretty bad shape tonight during therapy. Eileen worked with me to help the kids, she had me sit by them and talk to them reassuringly and she did the same too. She kept telling them that they were safe now, that they were in her office and it was the 28th of August 2014 and nobody was going to hurt them or do anything bad to them. It didnt really work and then after about 20 minutes of working with taylor and Lexi I became very emotional and I almost cried. I was crying for what they’ve gone through, for how they were treated, no child deserves to be treated like that and I feel really protective of them both. In fact I feel really protective of all of the inside kids. I was going to go inside and allow taylor to just come out, and I did say it to Eileen, but she encouraged me to stay with her and work it out so I did. We talked and I told her I felt stupid for almost crying, and she said it is ok to cry, and it would be normal in light of what was going on. She asked me if I ever cried, and I said that mostly I cry at tv shows, or books, and I dont usually cry over what happened to me. I was telling her how I sometimes cry over certain situations, like for instance when we were in the locked ward earlier this year, and I really missed her and Dr Barry, so I cried and cried and said I wanted them and I wanted to leave. Everything just got so overwhelming that I couldnt help it. Those sorts of situations though are rare, where I completely lose it. I am an emotional person sometimes like I said though, its usually if I have argued with someone close to me, or if I am reading a sad book, or watching something sad on tv. After me and Eileen talked about stuff for a while, taylor came out. I stayed nearby because I wanted to see how she would be, but she was ok and not too distressed which was good. She did however say that the last time we saw dr Barry, that hearing her speaking to her little boy on the telephone had really upset her, because she wished our mom was like that with us. She doesnt understand that because we’re not 4 years old any more, our mom doesnt treat us like a kid. Dr Barrys little boy is only 4 years old. I hadnt realised how much our kids were effected by hearing Dr Barry talk to her kid on the phone. I’m thinking I may bring it up with her, but I’m kinda nervous to at the same time. Eileen also asked Taylor to let me know what it is she needs from me when she’s scared, and taylor happily told her. Eileen said she was very clever and wise for her age, which is six, and I agree she is clever and wise. When I eventually came back again we talked about how I didnt go see the junior psychiatrist this week, as Dr Barry is on vacation. I told her my anxiety levels were through the roof about going, so much so that I was vomiting, so eventually after a couple of hours of trying to leave the house I gave up. I told her I thought the junior doc would treat us like a freak show or something, because some of them did in the past. I also told her that I didnt really want to go, and dr Barry had given me the choice not to, which in heindsight did not help, as it gave me an opt out of going. I should have gone, if I had I wouldnt have to wait for another week and a half before seeing Dr Barry. But I didnt, so now I do have to wait. Overall it was a good session but very draining. And the time went very fast.
Carol anne