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Well I didnt kill myself. Thats progress right? I’m still alive. Even though for a lot of today I didnt want to be.

Today was not so good. I managed to eat breakfast only to throw it all up afterwords, when flashbacks hit me hard. It was not pleasant. I spent the morning laying down because my blood pressure plummeted and I felt really awful.

I didnt eat any lunch. I just didnt feel like it. In fact I slept through it only waking briefly when a nurse asked me if I wanted lunch. I just wanted to sleep, because if I was asleep then I didnt have to face the day and the memories.

I did not go to any of the therapy groups that were on. There was art, relaxation, news and views, an out and about group, and some activity I think it was bingo. I’ll probably end up having to go to some groups during the week though. I’m sure it will be written into my care plan.

I filled out some papers with my key nurse L. They were papers about my care plan. Basically they just asked me what I had felt like since i came in, and it asked me to list some goals for the week. I couldnt think of many goals, so I just said I wanted to work on bringing my mood up. L said in order to do that I had to participate in some of the groups. Bla bla I know that, I guess I am just being depressed and lazy about it.

Tomorrow I will see Doctor Barry. The whole team will be in the room so it will be very nerve wrecking. There is going to be doctor Barry, her junior doctor, K the social worker, the lead guy from the therapy team, dr Barrys primary nurse, a student nurse, and us. So a lot of people. I wish it was just myself and Dr barry. I’m going to have to make the best of it though. Its just going to be hard to put things out there with all those ears listening.

I had a check in with our therapist tonight. I was late phoning her, because I fell asleep and didnt wake up on time. So it was 90 minutes later than we’d planned, but she was still able to take my call. She’s so awesome like that, she always makes time for me. We talked about the recent contact from our abusers, and she encouraged me to talk to Doctor Barry about it tomorrow, which I was going to anyway. She told me to try to think of the team being there to help, that its not just Dr Barry on her own, the whole team are there to give their feedback. We arranged for another check in on Thursday evening, during my usual session time.

Tonight I feel flat. I also feel a numbness. Like everything is going in slow motion. Its horrible. I think I’ll make one goal for myself for tomorrow to go to at least one group.
Carol anne

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