I am very frustrated. I just wrote a whole long post. And it got swallowed up. Ug. It makes me not want to try again.
Tonight I am angry. Angry at our abusers. Angry for what they took from us. Our childhood, and our teen years. Even into our adulthood they still try to constantly abuse us. It makes my blood boil.
It is partly what makes me sick. I think the anger is waiting to come out, like vomit. I am waiting to spew it. Even though I know I shouldnt. Its buried, and when it does erupt, its dangerous. It feels raw and huge and overwhelming.
The other day our dad was talking about the past. Let it go he said. Dont hold on to it. It is the cause of all your problems. Maybe it is. But I cant let it go. I cant. It is my history, and it needs to be worked through. I cant heal if I dont work through it can I?
Maybe my parents are right. Perhaps my past is what makes me so sick today. Perhaps I just dont see it. But, I didnt ask to be abused, or to go to Dublin to a boarding school. I didnt ask to have my innocence taken, and to be hurt in every possible way imaginable.
But I was. And there is nothing I can do. Except deal with it. Except feel the emotions that I dont want to feel, in order to heal. Anger, sadness, guilt, shame. All sorts of emotions. I need to work on them in therapy so that I can lead a better life and begin to be less sick emotionally and mentally.
Its hard. It wont be easy. ButI am ready. My abusers wont win this battle. This is a battle I will win for me.