Tags
Abuse, Abusers, Alters, Anger, Coping, Did, Dissociation, Dissociative identity disorder, Emotions, Healing, Mental illness, Therapist, Therapy
I am very frustrated. I just wrote a whole long post. And it got swallowed up. Ug. It makes me not want to try again.
Tonight I am angry. Angry at our abusers. Angry for what they took from us. Our childhood, and our teen years. Even into our adulthood they still try to constantly abuse us. It makes my blood boil.
It is partly what makes me sick. I think the anger is waiting to come out, like vomit. I am waiting to spew it. Even though I know I shouldnt. Its buried, and when it does erupt, its dangerous. It feels raw and huge and overwhelming.
The other day our dad was talking about the past. Let it go he said. Dont hold on to it. It is the cause of all your problems. Maybe it is. But I cant let it go. I cant. It is my history, and it needs to be worked through. I cant heal if I dont work through it can I?
Maybe my parents are right. Perhaps my past is what makes me so sick today. Perhaps I just dont see it. But, I didnt ask to be abused, or to go to Dublin to a boarding school. I didnt ask to have my innocence taken, and to be hurt in every possible way imaginable.
But I was. And there is nothing I can do. Except deal with it. Except feel the emotions that I dont want to feel, in order to heal. Anger, sadness, guilt, shame. All sorts of emotions. I need to work on them in therapy so that I can lead a better life and begin to be less sick emotionally and mentally.
Its hard. It wont be easy. ButI am ready. My abusers wont win this battle. This is a battle I will win for me.
Carol anne
Multi-Me 
The past probably is the cause of most of your problems, but it’s not as simple as “just letting go.” I think we all wish it were that easy, but you’re right–it has to be worked through, not just repressed. I don’t know why so many people can’t understand that concept–I think it must be that they don’t want to have to acknowledge their own pain.
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Your right. It is an acknowledgement that they cant look at their own pasts. I agree. Definitely with my own family it is. X
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Its that positive resolve Carol that will get you to deal with your past. Good for you.
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Thanks. I do try to be positive. Sometimes I have more luck than at other times. X
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Good luck, Carol Anne. I’m sorry your father doesn’t get it. People who say those kinds of things are the ones who can’t see how the past controls their own lives. You are ahead of those kinds of people at least. You understand what the past can do and now you’ve got some people who can help you process it and hopefully move on.
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True. Mostly I know that. It doesnt lessen the feelings of anger and the other emotions, but I know with the help I will get there. X
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maybe you do need to let it out, to let it spew…surely it is the root of all your problems, and surely you have the right to be angry. and you have never let that anger out, partly because it wouldn’t have been safe to do so, and partly because you were taught nice girls are quiet, obedient, and don’t make scenes. nice girls don’t cause trouble, or draw attention.
so find a way to let that anger free. find a way to let go of all the pain you’ve kept inside because ‘nice girls don’t do that’. you are still a ‘nice girl’ even you have anger to express, or pain, or hurt. and you deserve that, and you deserve to feel good and to be happy.
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Thank you so much Kat. I will bring it to therapy tonight. I will try to see if we can come up with some ideas for letting it out, to free myself from it. XX
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I really hope you find a way to get that anger out because (coming from experience) it can cause you so many other problems. But talking of your anger is good too. Your acknowledging it. That’s always the very important first step , admitting to yourself and owning your feelings. I’m so glad for you.
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