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This is Liz. Last night, I had the majority of our therapy session. I needed to talk to Eileen. I had some serious shit I needed to discuss. First, emotions, my emotions. I hate them. I hate them with a passion. I mostly feel anger and thats ok. I am used to feeling anger. I can deal with anger. But its the other feelings. Guilt, shame, wanting to punish me, sadness, those are what I cant do. I dont do sadness. Eileen pointed this out to me last night when she said “you just dont do sadness do you” to which I said flatly “no”. And its true. I cant go there. Because if I allow myself to feel sadness for the abuse I went through, then I feel the overwhelming need to punish myself by self harming. Which leads me on to another topic of discussion last night. My urge to self harm. Its really strong lately. And for the past 3 or four weeks, its been all I can do not to cut. We talked about the urges and me cutting and what it releases for me when I do it. Eileen said that the parts of me that feel the need to punish, and then the parts that feel guilty for wanting to cut, as well as the parts of me that feel the sadness for the abuse I endured, are trying to let me know they are there, trying to tell me that they need some space. She asked me to try to feel compassion for these parts of myself. That was weird to me. I dont usually do things like that. But last night, I sat, and I let myself feel for those parts of me. I treated them as if they were individuals, for once, even though I do know they are parts of me. It was freeing. I felt a lot calmer afterwords. I felt like I got a lot out of therapy last night. That, too is unusual for me, because, I rarely talk to anyone about my memories, or the ptsd I suffer from because of the abuse. I mostly blow things off with anger or mask them with the anger. So to actually talk to our therapist, its progress. And progress I am proud of.
Liz

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