Tags
Abuse, Alters, Child abuse, Cult abuse, Did, Dissociation, Dissociative identity disorder, Mental illness, Ritual abuse, Sexual abuse, The system, Trauma
I FUCKING HURT. I HURT PHYSICALLY. I HURT EMOTIONALLY. I HURT MENTALLY. I JUST FUCKING HURT.
I DONT CARE IF PEOPLE THINK IM A PUSSY WEAK ASS GIRL FOR SAYING SO. IM A DARK. IM NOT SUPPOSED TO LET MY GUARD DOWN. BUT HELL THINGS ARE SUCKY. THIS FUCKING MONTH SUCKS. I HAD TO DO REALLY FUCKING AWFUL SHIT FOR A LOT OF YEARS, AND, YOU JUST DONT GET OVER THAT SHIT. YOU CANT KNOW UNLESS YOU’VE LIVED IT. UNLESS YOU’VE HAD TO GO THROUGH TORTURE IN THE NAME OF SATAN.
I DIDNT WANT TO PARTICIPATE IN FUCKING RITUALS. BUT I DIDNT GET A CHOICE. NO. NO CHOICE IS GIVEN TO YOU WHEN YOUR IN A CULT. ITS DO OR DIE. IF YOU WANT TO SURVIVE YOU DO WHAT YOUR TOLD.
THE MEMORIES ARE TORTURE. THE PAIN IS SEVERE. THE TURMOIL IS FELT RIGHT THROUGH THE SYSTEM. IF YOU GENUINELY DONT KNOW WHAT RITUALISTIC ABUSE IS, I ENVY YOU. CUZ I FUCKING WISH I DIDNT. I WISH I WAS SOMETHING OTHER THAN A DARK, BECAUSE MOSTLY DARKS GET A BAD RAP AND A BAD NAME. BUT WE’RE JUST LIKE ANY OTHER INSIDERS IN THE SYSTEM, WITH THE EXCEPTION THAT WE’VE GONE THROUGH MORE, TOOK MORE FOR THE SYSTEM, HELD MORE OF WHAT THE OTHERS COULDNT FACE.
SO YEAH. LIFE IS A FUCKING BITCH. TODAY, I HATE IT. TODAY, I HATE THE WORLD.
THINK I’LL CALL OUR THERAPIST LATER TODAY. SHE’S ALWAYS GOT MY BACK. I CAN TALK TO HER ABOUT ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING. IT FEELS GOOD TO KNOW SOMEONE IS THERE FOR ME. MY PSYCHIATRIST ISNT HALF BAD EITHER. A LITTLE MORE DISTANT YES, I HAVE MORE OF A RELATIONSHIP BUILT UP WITH OUR THERAPIST, BUT I DO ALSO TALK TO DR BARRY SOMETIMES. SHE IS OK AS DOCTORS GO. AT LEAST SHE WANTS TO TRY TO UNDERSTAND US AND WHERE WE’VE BEEN WHICH I THINK IS GOOD. WELL I HAD BETTER RAP THIS UP. THANKS FOR READING IF YOU GOT THIS FAR.
LIZ
Multi-Me 
Yes Liz I got this far. I have no idea of the hell you had to endure but Liz you some how did and though it Hurts your alive to tell the tale. That should give you some clue to how strong you are deep down. Keep writing cuz it helps. Get it out your head, make room for good things you have to think about.
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I’M TRYING ITS HARD WORK BUT I WILL KEEP GOING BECAUSE I AM TIRED OF HURTING AND FEELING LIKE SHIT LIZ
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I definitely know that feeling. After my girl ended her life for years I was in a really dark bad place. I do volunteer work with suicide survivors. I talk to kids who have either attempted the act or who wants to. I hurt but way less than I use to
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IM GLAD IT HELPS YOU TO DO THE VOLUNTEER WORK, THOSE KIDS NEED PEOPLE LIKE YOU. LIZ
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No I think I need them more 🙂
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The good thing is that your Feeling…your not dead inside emotionally feeling hurt but still feeling. Stay in contact okay?
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NO…IM DEFINITELY NOT DEAD INSIDE, AS MUCH AS I’D LIKE TO BE SOME DAYS, IM NOT. LIZ
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i hear you liz im sorry you hurt in so many ways. you are right there arent choices in a cult. jess
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NO CHOICE IS NOT A RECOGNISED WORD IN A CULT THEY ARE FUCKHEADS I HATE EVERY FUCKING ONE OF THEM LIZ
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Reblogged this on suicideasseenbythe1leftbehind.
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Liz, I’m so sorry you had to go through that living hell. I’m glad you’ve got a great therapist who you trust. I’m glad you were able to write this here. I really, really hope you are able to heal, at least part way, since I know that ritual abuse runs very deep. I do have a friend who was paralyzed by her past, most of her life held in slavery, born into a cult in Paraguay where there was no one to help, no where to run to. Thanks to her writing and her art and her tapping into the outer of the Divine Feminine, she is now much much better. I send you love and support. Laura
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LAURA, THANK YOU, THAT MEANS A LOT, IM GLAD YOUR FRIEND WAS ABLE TO TAP INTO ART, AND WRITING. THOSE THINGS CAN REALLY HELP A LOT. LIZ
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Hey Liz, i know you aren’t a pussy. no one could be less of a pussy, man. yeah, you took shit. and it hurts to remember it now. it’s ok to hate the world sometimes. i know you are like everyone else. trust me i know. im sorry you are hurting. it sucks to feel alone. glad you have your T. one protector to another. -Alex
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YO, ALEX, THANK YOU GIRL. I’M GLAD TO KNOW YOU. IT FEELS GOOD TO TALK AND WRITE. GOOD TO GET SHIT OFF MY CHEST. LIZ
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I agree with you, October is not a nice month. One part I like about it, is to find delicious pumpkins to make soup :).
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I NEVER HAD PUMKIN SOUP, I DONT THINK I COULD, PUMKINS WERE TWISTED INTO SOMETHING BAD FOR US. LIZ
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I’m so sorry you had to endure that 😦
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Hi Liz,
I’m sorry for all they did to you and made you and the other dark ones do. I hope you are learning to make good safe choices now. I sympathize with your specific experiences and will be here if you want to express the deep pain you’re in in other entries. Thank you for getting some of it out.
Here with you,
sl
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THANK YOU SL THAT IS NICE OF YOU TO SIT WITH ME AND LISTEN THAT HELPS SO THANKS AGAIN LIZ
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