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Just got home from our apt to see dr barry. It was a really good appointment, but it was very intense. Lots of stuff surrounding abuse, flashbacks, body memories, and past trauma came up today. I mentioned to her about the student doctors being in the room and not talking to me, and how I’d like them to introduce themselves. She said that was totally reasonable, and she could see how because I cant see that a voice and a hello makes all the difference. She said that because we’re usually so obliging, that she doesnt ever think to ask us any more if we actually want the students in our sessions. But she told me today that any week that I didnt feel like having a student in the room, to just say it to her and she’d ask them to sit out. I was glad about that. I told her I’d been having a lot of body memories lately. We talked a little about them and I told her how during last weeks therapy session I found it really hard to get the words out, to articulate what Iactually wanted to say in regards to the memories. We discussed it and I told her about my aunt and what she’d said to me last week, about things being all in my head, and dr Barry said that I was probably doubting myself because of what she’d said, so then in turn, that led to my not being able to articulate it to Eileen, for fear she wouldnt believe me. It made sense. I told dr Barry that the abuse was so bad that sometimes I figured people were thinking that stuff like what I describe actually couldnt happen. We talked about these next few months being extremely hard and how there are some anniversary dates coming up, including the date that my abuse came to light and including my friends baby being born and killed by the cult. She went very quiet when I told her about my friends baby and what happened to her. I was crying a lot and she got me a glass of water. She kept saying that I would be ok, how strong I was and how I have endured so much and am very brave. I can tell you now I didnt feel one bit brave! What I felt was distressed, weak, sad, guilty, and so many other emotions. Next week I have to see the junior doctor because dr Barry is on holidays. Thats ok though. I feel ready to see her. I probably wont say much to her, but its just going to be a check in visit to make sure we’re ok and safe and stuff.
Carol anne

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