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WELL…I GUESS YOU ALL KNOW I AM STRUGGLING. CAROL ANNE SAID AS MUCH THIS MORNING. WELL ITS TRUE. I’VE BEEN STRUGLLING FOR WEEKS NOW.

IM A DARK INSIDER, BEING A DARK MEANS I WENT THROUGH HORRIFIC THINGS, TODAY, OUR THERAPIST EILEEN SAID THAT US DARKS GOT A RAW DEAL, WE TOOK SO MUCH SO THAT OTHERS IN THE SYSTEM DIDNT HAVE TO SUFFER. AND ITS TOTALLY TRUE, WE DID.

WELL…LATELY I’VE BEEN SUICIDAL. I THINK ITS MORE THAN JUST A PROGRAMME, I THINK IM ALSO SUICIDAL IN GENERAL. I JUST DONT WANT TO LIVE. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE WHAT I HAD TO DO IN ORDER TO SURVIVE. I HAVE NO VALUE IN OUR SYSTEM. EILEEN SAYS I DO, BUT I DONT FEEL IT. ALL I AM GOOD FOR IS SEX, IF IM NOT BEING ABUSED, THEN I JUST DONT FEEL USEFUL.

I KNOW THAT PROBABLY SOUNDS RIDICULOUS TO THOSE OF YOU WHO WERE NEVER ABUSED. BUT…ITS LIKE I SAID TO EILEEN TODAY…IT WAS BETTER THAT I WAS ABUSED BY THE CULT, BECAUSE…THE ALTERNATIVE WAS TO BE IGNORED. AND BEING IGNORED IS WORSE THAN BEING ABUSED, AT LEAST WHEN YOUR BEING ABUSED, YOUR BEING LOVED IN A SICK WAY. YOUR BEING TOUCHED, SOMETIMES IT FEELS GOOD, BUT AT LEAST ITS CONTACT. EILEEN UNDERSTOOD. SHE SAID NEGATIVE ATTENTION IS BETTER THAN NO ATTENTION AT ALL, RIGHT? THE ANSWER IS YES.

BUT TODAY I HAD TO TALK TO HER ABOUT WHAT I’D BEEN DOING RECENTLY. I’D BEEN GOOGLING WAYS TO DIE, WAYS NOT TO BE FOUND WHEN YOU TAKE AN OVERDOSE, WAYS TO SUCCEED IN OVERDOSING AND BE SUCCESSFUL. I WAS UNDER ORDERS FROM SOMEONE WHO SHALL REMAIN NAMELESS, THAT I WAS TO KILL US. BUT…HERES THE THING. AFTER TALKING TO EILEEN TODAY, I DONT WANT TO GO THROUGH WITH IT. IM SO TIRED OF BEING HATED, I AM HATED BY MOST OF OUR SYSTEM. IM HATED BY MOST PEOPLE ACTUALLY. I WANT TO FEEL SOMETHING OTHER THAN HATED. I TRIED TO TELL THE SYSTEM TODAY THAT I WASNT GOING TO FOLLOW THROUGH WITH THE ORDERS. SOME OF THEM DOUBTED ME. EILEEN SAID ITS NATURAL THEY WOULD, THEY’VE BEEN BURNED AND HURT BEFORE. NOT ALL OF THEM DOUBTED ME THOUGH. THAT FELT GOOD, LIKE I COULD PROVE TO THEM THAT I MEANT IT.

THERAPY WAS SO HARD TODAY. GIVING DETAILS OF HOW I WAS USED, HOW IT FELT, HOW I FEEL NOW, AND HOW I FELT THEN, ALL WAS REALLY DIFFICULT. EILEEN REASSURED ME THAT SHE WASNT PLACING ANY JUDGEMENT ON ME. THAT IT WAS OK TO BE HOWEVER I WANTED TO BE. THAT SHE FELT COMPASSION FOR ME AND SHE WASNT GOING TO JUDGE ME FOR WHAT I HAD TO DO TO SURVIVE.

SHE GAVE ME, AND SOME OTHERS OF US A MASSIVE REALITY CHECK. WHEN I WAS TALKING ABOUT DYING AND SUICIDE, SHE SAID TO ME, ARE YOU CLEAR THAT IF YOU KILL THE BODY, YOU ALL DIE? NONE OF YOU WILL BE LEFT, BECAUSE YOU ONLY HAVE ONE BODY, ONE BRAIN, ONE SET OF ORGANS? OMG BUT THAT SNAPPED ME BACK INTO REALITY QUICKER THAN I COULD BLINK MY EYES. PART OF ME KNEW THAT, BUT PART OF ME WAS SO MIXED UP, SO CAUGHT UP IN THE DOING, THE RESEARCHING OF WAYS TO DIE, THAT I FAILED TO SEE HOW I WAS HURTING EVERYONE INSIDE AND IF I SUCCEEDED OR FOLLOWED THROUGH, THERE WOULD BE NO GOING BACK.

YES THE SESSION WAS HARD TODAY, BUT IT WAS ALSO REASSURING. ITS NICE TO KNOW SOMEONE CARES ABOUT ME, ABOUT US. ITS NICE TO KNOW EILEENS ON OUR SIDE. ITS NICE TO KNOW SHE ONLY WANTS US TO BE AND FEEL HAPPY, THAT SHE WANTS THE BEST FOR US, WHATEVER THAT MAY BE.
CORA AGE 16

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