Tags
Abuse, Alters, Child abuse, Did, Dissociation, Dissociative identity disorder, Flashbacks, Mental illness, Ritual abuse, SRA, Therapist, Therapy
WELL…I GUESS YOU ALL KNOW I AM STRUGGLING. CAROL ANNE SAID AS MUCH THIS MORNING. WELL ITS TRUE. I’VE BEEN STRUGLLING FOR WEEKS NOW.
IM A DARK INSIDER, BEING A DARK MEANS I WENT THROUGH HORRIFIC THINGS, TODAY, OUR THERAPIST EILEEN SAID THAT US DARKS GOT A RAW DEAL, WE TOOK SO MUCH SO THAT OTHERS IN THE SYSTEM DIDNT HAVE TO SUFFER. AND ITS TOTALLY TRUE, WE DID.
WELL…LATELY I’VE BEEN SUICIDAL. I THINK ITS MORE THAN JUST A PROGRAMME, I THINK IM ALSO SUICIDAL IN GENERAL. I JUST DONT WANT TO LIVE. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE WHAT I HAD TO DO IN ORDER TO SURVIVE. I HAVE NO VALUE IN OUR SYSTEM. EILEEN SAYS I DO, BUT I DONT FEEL IT. ALL I AM GOOD FOR IS SEX, IF IM NOT BEING ABUSED, THEN I JUST DONT FEEL USEFUL.
I KNOW THAT PROBABLY SOUNDS RIDICULOUS TO THOSE OF YOU WHO WERE NEVER ABUSED. BUT…ITS LIKE I SAID TO EILEEN TODAY…IT WAS BETTER THAT I WAS ABUSED BY THE CULT, BECAUSE…THE ALTERNATIVE WAS TO BE IGNORED. AND BEING IGNORED IS WORSE THAN BEING ABUSED, AT LEAST WHEN YOUR BEING ABUSED, YOUR BEING LOVED IN A SICK WAY. YOUR BEING TOUCHED, SOMETIMES IT FEELS GOOD, BUT AT LEAST ITS CONTACT. EILEEN UNDERSTOOD. SHE SAID NEGATIVE ATTENTION IS BETTER THAN NO ATTENTION AT ALL, RIGHT? THE ANSWER IS YES.
BUT TODAY I HAD TO TALK TO HER ABOUT WHAT I’D BEEN DOING RECENTLY. I’D BEEN GOOGLING WAYS TO DIE, WAYS NOT TO BE FOUND WHEN YOU TAKE AN OVERDOSE, WAYS TO SUCCEED IN OVERDOSING AND BE SUCCESSFUL. I WAS UNDER ORDERS FROM SOMEONE WHO SHALL REMAIN NAMELESS, THAT I WAS TO KILL US. BUT…HERES THE THING. AFTER TALKING TO EILEEN TODAY, I DONT WANT TO GO THROUGH WITH IT. IM SO TIRED OF BEING HATED, I AM HATED BY MOST OF OUR SYSTEM. IM HATED BY MOST PEOPLE ACTUALLY. I WANT TO FEEL SOMETHING OTHER THAN HATED. I TRIED TO TELL THE SYSTEM TODAY THAT I WASNT GOING TO FOLLOW THROUGH WITH THE ORDERS. SOME OF THEM DOUBTED ME. EILEEN SAID ITS NATURAL THEY WOULD, THEY’VE BEEN BURNED AND HURT BEFORE. NOT ALL OF THEM DOUBTED ME THOUGH. THAT FELT GOOD, LIKE I COULD PROVE TO THEM THAT I MEANT IT.
THERAPY WAS SO HARD TODAY. GIVING DETAILS OF HOW I WAS USED, HOW IT FELT, HOW I FEEL NOW, AND HOW I FELT THEN, ALL WAS REALLY DIFFICULT. EILEEN REASSURED ME THAT SHE WASNT PLACING ANY JUDGEMENT ON ME. THAT IT WAS OK TO BE HOWEVER I WANTED TO BE. THAT SHE FELT COMPASSION FOR ME AND SHE WASNT GOING TO JUDGE ME FOR WHAT I HAD TO DO TO SURVIVE.
SHE GAVE ME, AND SOME OTHERS OF US A MASSIVE REALITY CHECK. WHEN I WAS TALKING ABOUT DYING AND SUICIDE, SHE SAID TO ME, ARE YOU CLEAR THAT IF YOU KILL THE BODY, YOU ALL DIE? NONE OF YOU WILL BE LEFT, BECAUSE YOU ONLY HAVE ONE BODY, ONE BRAIN, ONE SET OF ORGANS? OMG BUT THAT SNAPPED ME BACK INTO REALITY QUICKER THAN I COULD BLINK MY EYES. PART OF ME KNEW THAT, BUT PART OF ME WAS SO MIXED UP, SO CAUGHT UP IN THE DOING, THE RESEARCHING OF WAYS TO DIE, THAT I FAILED TO SEE HOW I WAS HURTING EVERYONE INSIDE AND IF I SUCCEEDED OR FOLLOWED THROUGH, THERE WOULD BE NO GOING BACK.
YES THE SESSION WAS HARD TODAY, BUT IT WAS ALSO REASSURING. ITS NICE TO KNOW SOMEONE CARES ABOUT ME, ABOUT US. ITS NICE TO KNOW EILEENS ON OUR SIDE. ITS NICE TO KNOW SHE ONLY WANTS US TO BE AND FEEL HAPPY, THAT SHE WANTS THE BEST FOR US, WHATEVER THAT MAY BE.
CORA AGE 16
DotedOn said:
Hi Cora,
I’m glad Eileen is helping you too 🙂
More people than you know cares about you, and I think that nobody is judging. It’s very brave what you did to save everybody else 🙂
Hugs ❤
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manyofus1980 said:
thanks. i dont feel brave at all. i appreciate your kind comment. its people like you who let me believe that the whole world isnt bad. cora
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DotedOn said:
🙂 ❤
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silentlistener2510 said:
Hi Cora,
It’s good to see your words here again.
those who know any dark reality get a hell of a raw deal. I am glad you are choosing to fight the programming and your own desires. This combination is not only possible but probable.
Not everyone uses people and I get the whole any attention is better than none thing. Now it might help to focus on proving you won’t follow through to them. Could you make a list of steps and then show it to Eiline and the others inside? Then find a way to mark each step that is being followed? Sometimes seeing things in black and white helps.
This way everyone can learn from these experiences, both those of darkness and light.
Write either here or via email any time.
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manyofus1980 said:
SL, THANKS FOR THIS. IT DOES HELP TO SEE THINGS IN BLACK AND WHITE. I AGREE ABOUT THAT. I’LL TRY YOUR IDEA. I MIGHT SURPRISE EVEN ME. CORA
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Ellie Sofia said:
Dear, dear Cora, I’m so sorry you are feeling so bad. You and most of the others in your system have been to hell and back – I understand that.
I’m so glad you decided not to kill yourself and the others because I care very much about you and would miss you lots.
I think you are extremely brave and I am glad you can talk to Eileen and that she is able to help you.
Hugs, Elllie xoxox ❤
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manyofus1980 said:
THANKS ELLIE IM GLAD I HAVE HER TO TALK TO SHE IS A GREAT SUPPORT AND HAS LOTS OF GOODADVICE FOR ME. THANKS AGAIN ❤ CORA
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makersdozn said:
Well-done, Cora. Brave of you to talk to Eileen about what happened to you and about the feelings that you’ve been having. It takes courage to resist the effects of the abusers. We’re sending you good thoughts.
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manyofus1980 said:
THANK YOU GUYS THAT MEANS A LOT IM GLAD I TALKED IN THERAPY IT WAS A FIRST STEP FOR ME CORA
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silentlistener2510 said:
Hi Cora,
Sorry you are feeling so horrid.
Still here with and for you. I’m gla dyou took the step of talking in T. Sorry if my idea was completely inappropriate or unhelpful. 3
Sl
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manyofus1980 said:
IT WASNT. THANKS FOR THE IDEAS AND SUPPORT. I AM GLAD YOU ARE READING. CORA
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ccchanel41 said:
I am just going to comment here…we have all been very triggered over many things this past week. I truly understand about programming and that was very brave to write that. Good thoughts to you Cora, I know how strong you were ~ Chanel
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manyofus1980 said:
HI CHANEL THANKS FOR THIS. IT WAS HARD TO PUT MYSELF OUT THERE LIKE THAT. ESPECIALLY WHEN I WASNT TOO SURE OF THE RESPONSES. BUT I’M GLAD I DID. CORA
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ccchanel41 said:
you are very welcome…I feel badly not to have commented on the others. we have not gotten to many blogs this last week. this is a hard week for us. I do truly understand though. I have been surprised by how kind so many can be at our stories. However, I just wrote really for the first time tonight, and I don’t even know how it sounded. It is very scary, so I felt for you. Very proud of you, haha, thinking of our really as they also call themselves dark ones…they would probably hate that..so I will just leave it at I understand 🙂 Of course, me I called myself Death haha..so take that for how you want it.. 😉 ~Chanel
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manyofus1980 said:
HI CHANEL I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN PEOPLE HAVE BEEN KIND TO US TOO IT REALLY IS KINDA OVERWHELMING BUT NICE AT THE SAME TIME THAT PEOPLE WANT TO UNDERSTAND THAT THEY ARE WILLING TO ACCEPT THAT SHIT LIKE THIS HAPPENS AND DONT FEEL BAD FOR NOT COMMENTING MUCH THIS WEEK ITS A TOUGH WEEK FOR ALL SRA SURVIVORS. CORA
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