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Therapy was hard today. We mostly worked on the memories surrounding the birth, and death of our best friends baby. We did eMdr with the pulsers. That was intense. I’m really surprised at how much emdr is working for us as I didn’t think it would work at all. Eileen kept reassuring us that she was with us, to trust her, and that she wouldn’t let the memories overwhelm us. Some of us were wondering how she’d stop it from overwhelming us and so we voiced our concerns. She said that she had ways to prevent overwhelm, she’d help us to contain things, we’d use visualisation and other means to make sure we were not retraumatised again. And we did use visualisation. Part of our work today was calling up a safe place, somewhere where i could go in my mind, where i felt completely safe from harm. I chose Disneyworld as my safe place. Disneyworld in florida. When I went there I stayed in the carribean beach resort. I chose to call up the images and surrounds of the resort. It worked like a treat. It was very calming too and it helped when we were remembering bad things to focus on the safe place. I talked to Eileen about the cult creating insiders, she really understood where we were coming from with that. We talked about choice and i told her that now, even though we have free choice, its very hard for me if someone gives me any sort of choice. I’d rather they just chose for me, so i didn’t have to. She said it sounded like insiders were being triggered by the word choice and its implications. I agreed that yes I thought they probably were. Yes it is true that we’re an adult now, with choices. Back during our childhood we never had a choice. We were just abused and that was that. In fact we were always scared in case somehow we’d make the abuse worse. Occasionally the cult gave a choice, but it wasn’t real. It was do you want this bad thing to happen, or would you rather something else, worse that the first choice. I think more work needs to be done in therapy around choices. We only tipped the edge of something today.

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