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Todays appointment with dr barry was very intense. We were in with her for an hour and a half, the longest we’ve ever been with her. We discussed a lot of things, including a new medication, latuda. She wanted us to try it, and she was going to admit us to the hospital so that she could monitor us when we tried it. But i told her i didn’t want to go in. I was in the hospital at this time last year. I told her that despite all the overwhelming trauma memories, and suicidal thoughts, and other shit we’ve got going on, i don’t want to go into hospital at this time. I want to try and manage with Eileen and her help, and also the help of my friends and coping techniques. So she agreed with me eventually and for now we’re not starting any new medications. I didn’t bring nitro with me today, because of the weather and also because sometimes when i’m not doing well, having him isn’t the best idea. Its more of a hassle to try and control him when i’m doing pretty badly myself. Dr barry said she thought it would be a comfort to have him and that it would help me, so i had to explain to her why it wasn’t. After a while i said to her do you think i didn’t bring him with me because i was going to ask you to hospitalise me? And she said that the thought had crossed her mind. I cant believe she seriously thought i wanted to be hospitalised. I suppose she did, because she knows what a hard time these months are for us and maybe she thought i wasn’t coping and would rather be taken care of by the hospital. We also talked about the report that she has to write up for the police. She was asked by them to write up a comprehensive report on our mental health difficulties recently. She said no she wouldn’t do that, and she said she’d only give them minimum information. But today she had another thought. She told me that she was unclear what they wanted it for. And so she’s going to write them again and ask them exactly what information they want and why they want it. She said the fact that i am also unclear about why they want it is a red flag for her. Plus also she’d spoken to her clinical director who’d told her she was well within her rights to say she wasn’t happy with the letter she’d received and get clarification around it. She read me out the letter that the superintendant sent her, it seems like a standard letter, like one they send everyone who they ask for a report from. I’m glad she’s not just giving out information about us that could be confidential and i don’t want them to have irrelevant information or personal information that they don’t need so thats a good thing in my opinion. We talked about me being sick for the past week. I was really bad last weekend, then i seemed to get a little better, but now i seem to be worse again. She had a theory that maybe its psychological and due to the severe stress i am under that my symptoms are showing up as physical symptoms. I had to agree it does sound plausible. I also told her about finding diet pills and laxatives in my house. Emily whose 12 and a bulimic had been storing them and using them. She said she’s not surprised that emilys eating disordered behavious is coming to the forefront at this time of the year. I made Emily talk to her because i was so worried about her. I was also a little mad that she’d been using the diet pills because of how dangerous they are. She didn’t want to tell dr barry about what she’d been doing but eventually she did and they discussed it and she promised her she wouldn’t do it again. I go back next Monday to get my injection of xeplion and also to see dr barry as well. I know thats really soon but i think its also a good thing because i have both the support of our psychiatrist and therapist and those two people along with my partner and friends will keep me out of the hospital. And that cant be a bad thing.

carol anne