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i saw dr barry today. Our conversation went like this.

Me: dr barry, will you adopt me?

Dr barry: i know thats what you really want, but i cant.

Me: Please? I’ll be no trouble?

Dr barry with a slight nervous laugh: Alicia, I cant, I’m sorry.

And so the conversation went on. We talked about the weekend. We talked about flashbacks and how I cope with them. I told her I was angry because we have flashbacks. She asked me what do i do with my anger, do I feel it, or do something else with it. I told her that sometimes I sit with it, that I’m learning how to do that in therapy. But sometimes I get in such a rage that I break stuff and bust up my room. She encouraged me to keep trying to feel the anger, let it out.

Then she said…

Alicia, can you try to get carol anne for me if thats ok?

Me: will you just think about adopting me?

Dr barry: sweetie, you have a family. I know its not the family you want. But your mom is trying to do her best. She really wants to work on things so that you can have a better relationship with her.

Me: sigh…thats not the answer I wanted.

Then I got carol anne for her. And they talked about me and I listened.