Tags
Abuse, Abuse survivor, Depression, Did, Dissociation, Dissociative identity disorder, Mental health, Mental illness, The past, Therapist, Therapy, Trauma
I did something really brave today. I got up the courage to talk to our therapist Eileen. I cant believe i actually did it. i hardly ever come out in therapy. I did know our old therapist J. I talked to her maybe five or six times in the whole four and a half years that we saw her. You see, something really traumatic happened to me years ago. It was with our first therapist a we saw a for 9 months. It was before our diagnosis of did. Actually, it was a who got us our initial diagnosis, because she made us an apt to see a psychiatrist so that we could get assessed. Then she also came with us to see the psychiatrist who preliminarily diagnoised us with did. That was in 2001. A was a fabulous therapist. I trusted her completely. I told her things i never told anyone about my past. About growing up with a dysfunctional family, about memories of the bording school in Dublin, about the flashes and glimpses i was getting of other traumatic things, about the bullying, about the internal voices i heard. I really revealed lots to her. And she promised me so much. She promised me she wasn’t leaving, that i was safe, that i could trust her, that it was ok to talk to her freely about my worries and my fears and my traumas. But then after 9 months she delivered the devastating news to me, that she was no longer able to work with me. She said it wasn’t my fault, that it was more about her and not about me. That she’d lost her objectivity around my case. But i couldn’t help believing it was my fault. I honestly thought i’d done something to make her ill, to warrant her ending therapy with us. I remember in our last session, i actually cried, something i’d never done in any of our previous sessions. And she cried too. It devastated me to my core. And that is when i decided that i could never trust again, i was done, i was going to give up. And that is when i decided carol anne could have the job of head fronter in the system. I didn’t want the responsibility any longer. I couldn’t manage life any more. And so i retreated inside, and i’ve pretty much stayed inside for years, only coming out for short periods every now and then. Carol annes pretty much ran the show, she is our main fronter, i can see her, i can hear her. I don’t hear many others of the insiders, i hear a few kids, mainly darina, Erika, lexi, but thats all. Other than that i’m pretty walled off in dissociation. So why am i telling you the readers all this? I guess to give you a background to my talk with Eileen today. It was a good chat and she was really nice to me. She made me feel safe. When i first fell into the body she introduced herself to me. She told me how long she’d been seeing our system and that we’d worked on a lot and then she told me some things we worked on. And then mostly we talked about the therapist a and how that all ended. Eileen said she really could see that it had had a huge impact on me. That i must have went into shock, and that is why i retreated inside. I agreed because i think its true. I told her i felt broken, unmendable, unfixable, that i feel like there is no hope for me. She said not true. There definitely is hope for me and i am definitely fixable. Then she asked me if i want to explore some areas of my life. I said i do. That i’m ready to try again. My system protect me very well. After all its been two years that we’ve been seeing Eileen, and this was my first appearance since the start of our work together. But now i’m ready. I want to form the same safe attachment with her that i know others inside have. I want to have someone i can rely on, someone i can trust with my inner most thoughts and secrets. I think i’ve found that someone and i’m really pleased. It will take time, but i think i can do it. at least i hope i can.
shirley
Sam Ruck said:
Nice to meet you Shirley and good luck! I’m so sorry for what happened in the past.
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manyofus1980 said:
hi nice to meet you too and thank you for being so kind it is hard but i will get there i know i will. shirley
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starkinsanity said:
Fantastic, Shirley! Clearly Eileen is doing her job well if you were able and confident to come out and talk to her. Congratulations!! X
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manyofus1980 said:
thanks. i like her. she was so very good and nice to me. i think she is doing a fabulous job. x
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starkinsanity said:
It’s a huge, positive step that you trust her so well, as do all your alters. Well done all! X
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DotedOn said:
Hi Shirley, very pleased to meet you!
Carol Anne is doing a great job! She trusts Eileen very much and I’m glad you are giving her a chance too!
If you also enjoy writing, try to join Carol Anne and write your side of the story too. I believe it’ll help you enormously. The progress all of you are making is really making my heart jump with joy 🙂
A big hug and a high five to you!
Paola ❤
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manyofus1980 said:
hi paola, nice name. is it spanish? i like it anyway. i will try to join in with the writing of the blog more often. i’d like that i think. i do think carol anne is doing a great job too. x
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DotedOn said:
Hi Shirley, the name is Italian and I’m from Argentina. I’m glad you’ll try to join Carol Anne writing the blog 🙂
have a nice day!
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manyofus1980 said:
thanks, i will. i’ve been trying to come out for a little while every day, since last weeks therapy session. x
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Jason Ellis said:
Hi Shirley, you have proven to have a really big heart, I admire you a lot for that. You are right, it’s not yet too late, you need someone you can rely on.
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manyofus1980 said:
i think i’ve found that someone in our therapist eileen. i like her, she seems nice. i’m willing to give therapy a try again and see how it goes. x
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multiplikaytion said:
Your story gives us hope that one day we can all trust our T and really open up, even though we’ve been hurt before by many people. That is a HUGE step and something to be proud of. I’m so happy for you!
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manyofus1980 said:
thank you very much. i’m happy i’ve decided to give therapy a go again. i hope it will help me discover more about me. x
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Ellie Sofia said:
Hi Shirley…..I’m so pleased and so proud of you that you managed to come out and open up to Eileen. Congratulations and love to you, Ellie xxx ❤ 🙂
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manyofus1980 said:
thanks ellie you are very kind for commenting to me. people have been sooo amazing. i cant quite believe it. x
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manyofus1980 said:
Reblogged this on Therapy Bits and commented:
A post our host Shirley wrote about the first time she appeared in therapy with Eileen. From our old blog…
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Emilia Lind said:
Shirley, it’s good you could talk to Eileen so openly. I’m sorry you were hurt so much in the past, it realy shouldn’t happen to you. Did you ever see Eileen again after that session? Hugs! 🙂
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manyofus1980 said:
Yes I have been out a couple of times since then. X
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debrakate said:
Thanks so much, Shirley for sharing this. I had always wondered why you-the host-never came out and participated. I even blamed you a little for letting Carol Anne do so much of the hard work since you were an adult and she’s much younger. I’m glad you are going to start having some therapy with Eileen. I’m sorry you are walled off from a lot of the insiders. I’ve met some pretty cool ones. I’m sorry that therapy you had lost her objectivity. It wasn’t your fault at all. She wasn’t taking care of her own mental health. You became mor of a friend than a patient and it hurt her a lot that she couldn’t make things better for you. Being a professional, she knew she should back away and put a little distance between you but it got to be too late. I hope to see more of you from now on. Just remember us and pop out and say hi from time to time. xxx
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manyofus1980 said:
Yep I hope that I will be able to come out more now. Thanks for reading
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