I will be deleting this blog really soon. I now blog over at
Please come join me over there!
So…I’ve been sitting here for hours doing email. And reading blogs. I just cant sleep. Of course if I got up at a reasonable time of day, it wouldn’t be like that. But today was Sunday, and I slept in. Only sleeping in turned into a kinda all day thing. I did get up and watch some tv for a while and I fixed myself something to eat, but then I just felt like going back to sleep again. Now I’m paying for it because I’m wide awake. Its lucky I have email and blogs to keep me busy, otherwise I’d go stark crazy from just being bored.
I just hallucinated. I hate that so much. I just saw one of my abusers. She berated me. She really got to me. I could hear her voice so intensely. It scared me. It really fucking scared me. Her voice was so vivid, the words loud and clear. I really hate this. It makes me feel less strong. When I hallucinate it makes me feel vulnerable. Seeing one of my abusers, their face, hearing their voice, makes it seem all so real again. Like I am back there. Like its happening all over again. I hate it.
SO CAROL ANNE AND ALICIA BOTH TOLD YOU ABOUT THERAPY AND THEIR PART OF LAST NIGHTS THERAPY SESSION. NOW ITS MY TURN.
I’D BEEN WANTING TO TALK TO EILEEN ABOUT SOME STUFF FOR A FEW WEEKS. FINALLY LAST NIGHT I JUST CAME FORWARD AND WE TALKED.
MOSTLY WE DISCUSSED THINGS ABOUT THE DARKS. WE TALKED ABOUT HOW TWO INSIDERS IN THE DARKS ARE STRUGGLING WITH TRYING TO NOT MAKE CONTACT WITH ABUSERS. THERE’D BEEN SOME LOST TIME THIS WEEK, AND, I TOLD HER IT WAS BECAUSE THOSE TWO INDIVIDUALS WERE OUT THEN. THEY’D RECIEVED SOME UNWANTED EMAILS, AND PHONE CALLS, WITH ORDERS WHICH THEY WERE SUPPOSED TO FOLLOW THROUGH ON. AND THEY HADNT DONE SO.
EILEEN SAID SHE REALLY RESPECTS THEM FOR THEIR EFFORTS IN NOT FOLLOWING THROUGH ON THE ORDERS WHICH THEY WERE GIVEN. SHE SAID THAT THAT NEEDED TO BE ACKNOWLEDGED. SHE ASKED ME THEN HOW THE DARKS FELT ABOUT SHIRLEY HAVING SPOKEN TO HER A WEEK OR TWO EARLIER AND I SAID WE DIDNT FEEL THREATENED, THAT SOME OF US DIDNT CARE, BUT FOR SOME OF US IT WAS A HUGE STEP, AND IT MEANT WE REALLY DID TRUST HER BECAUSE WE WERE ALLOWING HER ACCESS TO OUR CORE, SHIRLEY, OUR HOST, THE MOST VULNERABLE OF US ALL. SHE ACKNOWLEDGED HOW THIS MEANT A LOT TO HER AND SHE WOULD TAKE IT SLOW AND GO EASY ON SHIRLEY AND NOT TRY TO RUSH INTO THINGS.
I TOLD HER I THOUGHT THAT SOME OF THE DARK INSIDERS WOULD NEVER COME AROUND TO THE IDEA OF GOING TO THERAPY AND ATTACHING OR TRUSTING SOMEONE AND THAT THEY PROBABLY MIGHT NEVER TALK TO HER. SHE SAID THATS OK AND SHE WOULDNT BE PUSHING ANYONE WHO DIDNT WANT TO TALK TO HER TO TALK. THAT ITS NOT A PRODUCTIVE WAY OF DOING THINGS. THAT IN TIME IF THEY FELT LIKE IT SHE’D BE THERE AND WILLING AND READY TO TALK TO THEM. AND WE LEFT IT AT THAT.
THE SESSION WAS PRETTY INTENSE. I FELT BETTER THOUGH AFTER TALKING. BUT THEN, I ALWAYS DO.
This is a post I wrote last week after I saw Karen, the nutritionist dr Barry referred us to. I wrote this up but I didnt post it but I want to now. Any and all feedback welcome.
So I went to see Karen the nutritionist that dr barry refered me to this morning. It was a good session and very interesting. We went through some of my history, surrounding my diagnosis, my families history of illness and my own history of illnesses too. Then she talked to me about different parts of the body and some symptoms surrounding those parts. For example we discussed the digestive system, the immune system, and the liver, and the different symptoms that I might be displaying and what might be going on there. She weighed me also, and, I weigh 217 pounds. I wasn’t surprised at my weight as it was what I thought it might be. She went through a healthy eating plan with me and the next time that I see her I hope to be down some weight. Basically I’ll be eating either wheat bread with peanut butter, or wheat bread with soe eggs, or some cerial or a yogurt for breakfast. For lunch I’ll be eating a rap or pittabread with either chicken and cheese, or ham and cheese or turkey and cheese on it. And for dinner I’ll be having brown pasta, brown rice or potatos, lots of vegetables, and a small portion of meat with no fat on it. Then for snacks she said I could have either some nuts, some fruit, or rice cakes or wholewheat crackers. Im also supposed to drink lots of water, she said it would help detox my skin and I’d probably lose a few pounds from just drinking lots of water because of the detoxing. Im also supposed to start exercising which I’d intended to do anywah starting next week. I think, realistically I can lose about 7 to 10 pounds by the next time I see her which will be two weeks from today. I’m kinda looking forward to doing this new eating plan and doing it in a healthy way rather than in an unhealthy way. She gave me a recommendation for some seeds, I cant remember the name of them but she wrote it down for me. Basically what you do is mix a tablespoon of these seeds into your cerial or a yogurt and they break down fat for you. She said since I’d had my gall bladder removed that the fat doesn’t break down any more, because the gall bladder is used for breaking down the fat. So I’ll be getting my groceries on Saturday or Sunday and I’ll be doing a very healthy shop. So that was the appointment in a nutshell.
I know I’ve been pretty quiet lately. I had a long and hard think. I was going to stop blogging publically. I wasn’t sure whether I should keep going or not. A lot of what I post is so personal, and lots of people read it. But its always the same few who comment. Don’t get me wrong, I am always glad of any comments I get. But when I post such deep and personal stuff about my life, and my story, sometimes I get paranoid as to who is reading and what are they thinking after reading what I post. I really wish more people who read would take the time to say hi, or let me know their thoughts, or just tell me if they agree or disagree etc. I know I cant make people do that though. I do realise its up to them whether they want to ingteract or not. I always try to engage with the blogs that I read. I think its only right. But as for how we’re doing, I’ll post up a few entries about whats been going on. Thank you to those of you who sent me kind comments asking how we are and where we are and stuff. It is what spurred me to come out and blog again. So, thanks, friends. Your kindness really means a lot.
woke up from a nightmare. want to go back to sleep but unable to. feeling edgy. feeling emotional too. kinda sad. think the sadness was triggered by the nightmare. hate being so triggered. trying to drink something and then lay back down and drift off to sleep. hopefully it will work. wish me luck.
I had a really lovely texting convo with our therapist on Friday night. I texgted her this.
me: I hate my life, it sucks, can you adopt me? please Eileen?
Eileen: I’m so sorry. but you know what? you can go inside to the room where I am and talk to me. How cool is that?
me: oh I forgot that. that’s very cool. :d
Eileen: there you go.
then we got into the smily faces on our phones and started messaging each other with smily faces in the messages. I put hearts with ribbons on mine, and a happy face, and a face throwing a kiss, and a winking face. Eileen put a lightbulb, and a happy face with squinting eyes. it made me giggle.
I like when Eileen texts me. it makes me feel special. and loved. and safe.