the adopt me conversation

Tags

Abuse survivor, Adoption, Alters, Child parts, Dissociation, Dissociative identity disorder, healing from trauma, Littles, Mental illness, PTSD, Therapist, Therapy, Trauma

I had some time to talk in therapy last night. It went like this.

Me: Eileen, did you think about adopting me?
Eileen: I know that’s really on your mind a lot lately, isn’t it?
Me: Yes always.
Eileen: Have you tried going into that room we created inside, with me in it?
Me: Yeah, but its not the same as having a forever family. I just want a forever family who’ll love me, see me, take care of me…
Eileen: But what about the rest of the system?
Me: They could come with me when I move in with you.
Eileen: And what about Nitro?
Me: Oh he can come too. You can have all of us wrapped up in one big parcel.
Eileen: Its a lovely image to think about isn’t it?
Me: I wish I didn’t have to just think about it. I really really wish you could do it. Your family are really lucky to have you…do they even realise how lucky they are?
Eileen with a laugh: I am not so sure they see it like that.
Me: Well they should. Why didn’t I get a family like yours? If you adopted me I bet you’d make rules, would you?
Eileen: It would be nice to have a life without rules wouldn’t it?
Me: Sure it would.
Me: I bet your family are really nice people? Even if I don’t know them yet.
Eileen: So you really want either me or Dr Barry to adopt you? How would that happen, Dr barry cant move in with me?
Me: Ok, I’ll spend half the week with your family, and half with Dr Barrys. That’d work?
Eileen: You have it all worked out don’t you?
Me: I wish I could see you. I hate not being able to see. If I could see you could give me a picture of you to look at.
Eileen: I know. That would be nice. But maybe we can record my voice, maybe I can do a meditation for you, or something nice like that. What do you think?
Me: Ok, but I still wish I could see you..what do you look like?
Eileen: Well I’m five foot 8, with hazel eyes, I have brown hair with a hint of red and blonde going through it, its not very noticeable though, just a hint of those two colors…and, I could stand to lose a few pounds…
Me: I bet your super skinny. And you wear glasses too, you forgot that bit.

Then our time was up. But I’m having more time next session. I guess we’ll talk more about that then. I wonder if I can convince her to adopt me in some way?

alicia

texting conversation with eileen

Tags

Alters, Did, Dissociative identity disorder, feeling good, Littles, Mental illness, texting, Therapist

hi

I had a really lovely texting convo with our therapist on Friday night. I texgted her this.

me: I hate my life, it sucks, can you adopt me? please Eileen?

Eileen: I’m so sorry. but you know what? you can go inside to the room where I am and talk to me. How cool is that?

me: oh I forgot that. that’s very cool. :d

Eileen: there you go.

then we got into the smily faces on our phones and started messaging each other with smily faces in the messages. I put hearts with ribbons on mine, and a happy face, and a face throwing a kiss, and a winking face. Eileen put a lightbulb, and a happy face with squinting eyes. it made me giggle.

I like when Eileen texts me. it makes me feel special. and loved. and safe.

Alicia 9

blood

Tags

Alters, Child parts, Did, Dissociation, Dissociative identity disorder, Flashbacks, Littles, Memories, Psychosis, Trauma

im so skard
im seein blood
and i feel it to
carol anne says it not der
but i see it so it is ther
carol anne is luky she cant see it
i don lik bein lone in dis hous
well nitros here
but he’s jus a dog
somtims wen im skard he helps
but not now
i ben cryin to
i was gona call eileen
but i don kno if i shud
she mite be at colege
i fink she teaches on mondays
wen i toked to dr barry today
de blood wasnt ther
but now its bak agin
i hate it
i hate memrees
taylor six

A little girl speaks in therapy

Tags

Abuse, Alters, Child parts, Did, Dissociation, Dissociative identity disorder, Flashbacks, Littles, Memories, Ritual abuse, Therapist, Therapy, Trauma

This month is full of triggers. As most of my readers know, I am a ritual abuse survivor. We were in a cult from age 8 until we were 16. During that time much abuse took place, we witnessed many horrific things. This has effected us in many ways over the years. September to December is laiden with trigger dates, abuse anniversaries, and the remembering of traumatic things.

Last week in therapy we had a particularly horrible thing to discuss. In September there is a ritual date, on September 7th. One of our young insiders told her story or some of her story in therapy last week. She was petrified but Eileen helped her by allowing her to freely talk. After she’d opened up a little bit Eileen enlisted my support and help, in order to better help her and so she’d have someone inside with whom she could connect with.

It was devastating to listen to her story. I became very overwhelmed by it. I knew parts of it, but to actually hear the horrific details of that night, of the events that occurred, it was devastating and so upsetting. It was all I could do to make myself hear it, and then to go to her and hug her and soothe her alongside Eileen. She was so very scared. She was shaking and crying as she told of her abuse. It was awful for her and for us all to hear it and know it happened to her and to our body.

I am glad however that this little girl of 7 got to talk about these awful events in therapy, in time perhaps they’ll fade a little bit for her, perhaps with the right help, with a safe person to witness her pain and trauma, perhaps she will feel less alone, and more able to cope. Perhaps, just perhaps having Eileen and me to witness her pain is a blessing to her. I hope so anyway.

Carol anne

theatre visit

Tags

Broadway show, Child parts, Did, Disney movie, Dissociation, Dissociative identity disorder, Littles, Movies, Theatre

We are going to the theatre. I’m sooo excited. We’re going to see the little mermaid. The stage school that we used to go to as a kid is putting it on. The little mermaid is my favourite Disney movie of all time. I just adore it. Especially the song part of your world. We’ve booked our tickets, and we’re going on Thursday evening to see it. I think it will be super exciting. We got great seats…they’re on the balcony but they are at the very front row. I hope i wont be disappointed…but i think i wont be. I think its gonna be amazing.

alicia

Darinas favourite song right now!

Tags

Alters, Ariana Grande, Did, Dissociation, Dissociative identity disorder, Healing, Jessie J, Littles, Music, Nicki Minaj, Songs I like

hi it me darina
and dis my new favorit song
I love it
im lernin de words rit now
im six in case you don kno
and I love rap music

darina

it me, taylor

Tags

Alters, Child parts, Did, Dissociation, Dissociative identity disorder, Flashbacks, Hallucinations, Littles, MPD, Psychosis, Triggers

hi its taylor
im have a bad nite
i kep herin fings
and seein fings
lik peple
and blood
and skary faces
and it fels icky
my insids hurt
and seein fings maks me shake
and breth funy
and i don lik it
i wish ar therpist was here
i wuld hold her hand
and then id be safe
i tried wachin cartunes
but dey didnt mak me fel beter
i brushed my dolls hair
and i don kno wat to do now
it de midle of the nite
and nobudys awak
i hate that
taylor six

Another psychiatrist apt

Tags

Abuse, Abuse survivor, Appointment, Child parts, Did, Dissociation, Dissociative identity disorder, Doctor, Littles, Mental illness, Parts, Psychiatrist, PTSD

We will see Dr Barry later this morning. There is so much stuff we want to say to her. Have spent the time this morning while we were in the shower, trying to gather our thoughts, put things in some sort of order, so that we don’t forget anything. She’ll probably have a psych student in the room with her so we’re trying to prepare for that also. She always gives us the option of saying no to the students, but I feel it is important to allow them in, especially since so many people in the mental health profession are ignorant about did and ptsd moreso did though. Perhaps if we allow them in to our appointments then more of the upcoming doctors will learn and want to try to get it. Dr Barry is certainly a good teacher, explaining everything to the students. Liz wants to talk to her, I mustn’t forget that, but I doubt Liz will allow me to. Also, Lexi has been pretty scared since the police rang last night, she has a very real fear of police since we’ve had a few bad experiences with them in the not so distant past. So I told Lexi that she could talk with Dr Barry today if she felt like it, and that made her feel happier. The kids just adore Dr Barry. She’s so nice to them too. It warms my heart and makes me feel good to know that she really is in tune with the littles. She just knows how to appropriately act towards them which is nice. I don’t have to leave for another few hours, since our appointment isn’t until 11 30. I might write some things down so that they are more clear in my mind. I’m also considering phoning Mark, our OT this morning. He said I could call him if I changed my mind about the plan we made last week, that we were going to wait to talk to the school psychologist about the transport issue. I’ve changed my mind. I’d prefer if he rang the manager of the school and just directly asked about it. Then I’ll know for sure.
carol anne