I will be deleting this blog really soon. I now blog over at
Please come join me over there!
So…I’ve been sitting here for hours doing email. And reading blogs. I just cant sleep. Of course if I got up at a reasonable time of day, it wouldn’t be like that. But today was Sunday, and I slept in. Only sleeping in turned into a kinda all day thing. I did get up and watch some tv for a while and I fixed myself something to eat, but then I just felt like going back to sleep again. Now I’m paying for it because I’m wide awake. Its lucky I have email and blogs to keep me busy, otherwise I’d go stark crazy from just being bored.
I just hallucinated. I hate that so much. I just saw one of my abusers. She berated me. She really got to me. I could hear her voice so intensely. It scared me. It really fucking scared me. Her voice was so vivid, the words loud and clear. I really hate this. It makes me feel less strong. When I hallucinate it makes me feel vulnerable. Seeing one of my abusers, their face, hearing their voice, makes it seem all so real again. Like I am back there. Like its happening all over again. I hate it.
Pumpkin pie dip
8 ounces cream cheese, softened
2 cups confectioner’s sugar
15 ounce can pumpkin
1+1/2 teaspoon cinnamon
1/2 teaspoon ginger
In large bowl, beat cream cheese and confectioner’s sugar until creamy.
Add pumpkin, cinnamon, and ginger. Beat until well blended.
Cover and chill until ready to serve.
Serve with gingerbread cookies, graham sticks, gingersnaps, or apple slices.
Pumpkin pie rice pudding
1 1/2 cups Minute Rice, uncooked
1 12-fl oz can evaporated milk
1 cup fresh puree pumpkin or canned pumpkin
1 cup water 1/2 cup brown sugar
2 tsp pumpkin spice
1/4 tsp salt
1 tsp vanilla extract
Combine all ingredients, except vanilla, in a medium saucepan.
Cook over medium heat for 20 minutes, stirring frequently.
Remove from heat and stir in vanilla extract. Let stand for 5-10 minutes.
Serve granished with a dusting of pumpkin-pie spice, graham crackers,
whipped cream or pecans or a combination, if desired.
1/4 cup chopped green peppers
1 bay leaf, optional
2 Tbsp. butter or oleo
2 cups water
2 chicken bouillon cubes
1 Tbsp flour
1 tsp butter
2 Tbsp. chopped onion
1 tsp parsley flakes
1 diced tomato
2 cups mashed cooked pumpkin or squash
2 cups milk
1/8 tsp black pepper
Sauté peppers, onions, parsley, and bay leaf in butter until tender. Do Not Brown.
Add tomatoes, pumpkin or squash, water and bouillon, bring to a boil.
Reduce heat and simmer for 30 minutes, stirring occasionally.
In small bowl combine flour and milk; blend well.
Stir into soup mixture.
Add salt and pepper.
Cook over medium heat, stirring frequently, until mixture boils.
I love xmas. I love decorating the house and the outside of the house. this year we’ll be with our parents on xmas. we’ve done that now for the last couple of years. our sister is going to her partners family for xmas dinner, so in our parents house it will be just them, and us. our sister really doesn’t want to go to her partners family but she kinda has to because of the kids, all the kids in their family will be there, and if she comes to our mom and dads, then her two kids will have nobody to play with and they’ll be bored. she said she’d visit though on xmas morning so we can give Lauren and Davin their gifts. we already have their gifts bought. we bought lauren two fairy dolls, they are neat, I helped to pick them out. they come from the tinkerbell series of dolls. we got davin a pirate ship. we have quite a lot of our xmas presents bought. its neat to xmas shop, I love it. you know what else is neat? xmas baking. our sister is making our parents a cake this year…a fruit cake. she’s already made it but it isn’t iced yet. and I hope we have the traditional xmas dinner of turkey and ham. I asked our mom to buy a stuffed boned and rolled turkey, cuz I love the stuffing that comes inside of it. I also love mince pies. I had some today with custard. they were yummilicious. im wondering what we’re getting for xmas. we don’t believe in santa, but we do believe in the xmas fairy. she’ll be coming to all us kids carol anne said. then we’ll also get gifts from our mom and sister and in our sisters partners family we are doing secret santa, we all picked a name each and then we have to buy one person a gift and nobody know who has who. I think that will be so much fun. I guess this is turning into a long post but I just wanted to tell a little about xmas this year because I’m a big fan.
Gabby age 12
So…I was meant to go see our occupational therapist Mark today. I didn’t go. Call me lazy, but…the weather outside is miserable. Its been raining hard all morning, and…I just didn’t feel like going out and getting soaked to the skin. So I texted him at 9 AM, our appointment was for 12 PM. I said that I wouldn’t be coming but that I’d phone him later. And I did. We had a long chat over the phone. And we rearranged our appointment for two weeks time. He’s a really awesome person who knows how to do his job and do it well. He said he had lots to discuss with me when we meet next. We’re going to finish doing the interest list, and he and I did some research into different things, like singing lessons, the gym and membership, swimming and cycling amongst other things. This is all so I can become more involved in the community, to make and build connections, all so that my mental health will be better and I’ll have other things to focus on to keep me well and stable. A bonus to our conversation today was he asked if I am ok, if there is anything I needed to talk about, or tell him, if my weeks been ok. He didn’t have to do that. He didn’t have to care. It left me feeling really cared about and since I didn’t see Dr Barry this week because she’s on vacation, it was nice to have Mark check on me to ensure I’m ok and safe. I honestly feel really really lucky to have such an awesome and dedicated team supporting me and helping me through all of my struggles. Mark isn’t even part of Dr Barrys team, but when I moved over to her team about a year ago now, he kept me on as a client. He also didn’t have to do that. Its not usually done. So I really do feel blessed and so very lucky to have him as part of my team.
Peanut Butter Cup Cookies
3 cups all purpose flour
1 cup unsweetened cocoa powder
1 tsp baking soda
1 tsp salt
1-1/2 cups brown sugar – packed
1 cup granulated sugar
1/2 cup I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter Spread – melted
1/2 cup Reese’s Spreads
2 tsp vanilla extract
2 eggs – room temperature
4 tbsp water
2-1/2 cups Peanut Butter Chips
Preheat oven to 375 degrees
Combine flour, cocoa, baking soda & salt in medium size bowl- set aside
Cream sugars, I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter & Reese’s Spreads
Add eggs, vanilla & water. Beat well
Add dry ingredients
Fold in peanut butter chips
Make tablespoon sized balls with the dough & place on baking sheet
Add a couple extra peanut butter chips to the tops
Bake 7-9 minutes
Cool on baking sheet 5 minutes before transferring to wire rack to completely cool.
Store in airtight container
*Makes approx 64 small cookies
a muddled brain
flitting in and out
as you try to grapple
to hang on for dear life
time whizzes by so fast
you wonder where it went
what you did
who you saw
how did the hours fly by?
where was I?
this is dissociation at its finest
as you try to figure out the answers in therapy
you know someone inside has them
but nobodys giving any clues
what to do?
so you keep on searching
hopeful that some time soon the answers will come
desperately seeking the truth so you can piece together the weeks, hours and days of your life