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I did something really brave today. I got up the courage to talk to our therapist Eileen. I cant believe i actually did it. i hardly ever come out in therapy. I did know our old therapist J. I talked to her maybe five or six times in the whole four and a half years that we saw her. You see, something really traumatic happened to me years ago. It was with our first therapist a we saw a for 9 months. It was before our diagnosis of did. Actually, it was a who got us our initial diagnosis, because she made us an apt to see a psychiatrist so that we could get assessed. Then she also came with us to see the psychiatrist who preliminarily diagnoised us with did. That was in 2001. A was a fabulous therapist. I trusted her completely. I told her things i never told anyone about my past. About growing up with a dysfunctional family, about memories of the bording school in Dublin, about the flashes and glimpses i was getting of other traumatic things, about the bullying, about the internal voices i heard. I really revealed lots to her. And she promised me so much. She promised me she wasn’t leaving, that i was safe, that i could trust her, that it was ok to talk to her freely about my worries and my fears and my traumas. But then after 9 months she delivered the devastating news to me, that she was no longer able to work with me. She said it wasn’t my fault, that it was more about her and not about me. That she’d lost her objectivity around my case. But i couldn’t help believing it was my fault. I honestly thought i’d done something to make her ill, to warrant her ending therapy with us. I remember in our last session, i actually cried, something i’d never done in any of our previous sessions. And she cried too. It devastated me to my core. And that is when i decided that i could never trust again, i was done, i was going to give up. And that is when i decided carol anne could have the job of head fronter in the system. I didn’t want the responsibility any longer. I couldn’t manage life any more. And so i retreated inside, and i’ve pretty much stayed inside for years, only coming out for short periods every now and then. Carol annes pretty much ran the show, she is our main fronter, i can see her, i can hear her. I don’t hear many others of the insiders, i hear a few kids, mainly darina, Erika, lexi, but thats all. Other than that i’m pretty walled off in dissociation. So why am i telling you the readers all this? I guess to give you a background to my talk with Eileen today. It was a good chat and she was really nice to me. She made me feel safe. When i first fell into the body she introduced herself to me. She told me how long she’d been seeing our system and that we’d worked on a lot and then she told me some things we worked on. And then mostly we talked about the therapist a and how that all ended. Eileen said she really could see that it had had a huge impact on me. That i must have went into shock, and that is why i retreated inside. I agreed because i think its true. I told her i felt broken, unmendable, unfixable, that i feel like there is no hope for me. She said not true. There definitely is hope for me and i am definitely fixable. Then she asked me if i want to explore some areas of my life. I said i do. That i’m ready to try again. My system protect me very well. After all its been two years that we’ve been seeing Eileen, and this was my first appearance since the start of our work together. But now i’m ready. I want to form the same safe attachment with her that i know others inside have. I want to have someone i can rely on, someone i can trust with my inner most thoughts and secrets. I think i’ve found that someone and i’m really pleased. It will take time, but i think i can do it. at least i hope i can.

shirley

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