therapy today

Tags

Alters, Child abuse, Choices, Cult abuse, Did, Dissociation, Dissociative identity disorder, Memories, Ritual abuse, The past, Therapist, Therapy, Trauma

Therapy was hard today. We mostly worked on the memories surrounding the birth, and death of our best friends baby. We did eMdr with the pulsers. That was intense. I’m really surprised at how much emdr is working for us as I didn’t think it would work at all. Eileen kept reassuring us that she was with us, to trust her, and that she wouldn’t let the memories overwhelm us. Some of us were wondering how she’d stop it from overwhelming us and so we voiced our concerns. She said that she had ways to prevent overwhelm, she’d help us to contain things, we’d use visualisation and other means to make sure we were not retraumatised again. And we did use visualisation. Part of our work today was calling up a safe place, somewhere where i could go in my mind, where i felt completely safe from harm. I chose Disneyworld as my safe place. Disneyworld in florida. When I went there I stayed in the carribean beach resort. I chose to call up the images and surrounds of the resort. It worked like a treat. It was very calming too and it helped when we were remembering bad things to focus on the safe place. I talked to Eileen about the cult creating insiders, she really understood where we were coming from with that. We talked about choice and i told her that now, even though we have free choice, its very hard for me if someone gives me any sort of choice. I’d rather they just chose for me, so i didn’t have to. She said it sounded like insiders were being triggered by the word choice and its implications. I agreed that yes I thought they probably were. Yes it is true that we’re an adult now, with choices. Back during our childhood we never had a choice. We were just abused and that was that. In fact we were always scared in case somehow we’d make the abuse worse. Occasionally the cult gave a choice, but it wasn’t real. It was do you want this bad thing to happen, or would you rather something else, worse that the first choice. I think more work needs to be done in therapy around choices. We only tipped the edge of something today.

death of an innocent baby

Tags

Abuse, Alters, baby, Child abuse, Cult abuse, Death, Did, Dissociation, Dissociative identity disorder, Ritual abuse, SRA, Trauma

I don’t really want to write about this. But i will. I will because i need to get it out. I need to say it, to feel it, to allow myself to remember.

Todays a big anniversary date. It is the anniversary of our best friends babys birth. The day that phoebe was born, and killed. Killed at the hands of evil people. Killed when she was only a few minutes old.

I feel so raw. I witnessed that whole birth, and death too. Witnessed every single minute of it. I cant begin to let you my readers know how absolutely horrific it was. I think its the sound of the babys cry, and the smell of the burning that stays with me. It never leaves you, ever.

Our best friend was 12 when she gave birth to phoebe. 12 years old. Its not right. She was only 7 months into her pregnancy when she was forced to deliver her baby. Her frantic screams will never leave me either. The agony she was in. The evil laughter of those evil men is another thing that just wont go away. They didn’t care. I think they had no conscience. They cared only about evil and the doing of it.

We don’t ever talk about that night, our friend and us. It is just an unspoken thing between us. Its a wonder our friend isn’t dissociative, but to the best of my knowledge she isn’t. How she copes, i’m not sure. She has two kids now and she did say to me that their births were very difficult, reminding her of the baby she lost, and triggering all the trauma of that terrible night all those years ago.

Today, i want to honour phoebe. She lived. She breathed. She is thought about today by us. I want her to know she is loved. And she is not just a statistic or another death.

carol anne

Ritual memory trigger

Tags

Abuse, Alters, Child abuse, Cult abuse, Did, Dissociation, Dissociative identity disorder, Memories, Mental health, Mental illness, PTSD, Ritual abuse, Trauma

It was dark. The night was cold. The rain fell. But that didnt stop them. The cult never stopped, not even in a storm. They drove some of us to their hide away. It was us, our best friend P, and a few more kids. We were the chosen ones. The ones who were “special”. I hated that, being special. I didnt want to be special. But I didnt get a choice. You never had a choice when the cult were involved. I sat in the van shaking. Knowing what would come once we were there would be brutal, incomprehendable, frightening, and so much more. I dared not talk to P. Sometimes we’d try to talk to the driver driving the van. It worked for us sometimes. It distracted him from what he was doing. But all too soon he’d shut us up again, make us go back to being a nothing, a nobody. When we arrived at the grounds where the cult were, we were dragged out. The door was opened and we were shoved into the big dark room. Everyone was talking, all the adults were chanting. I didnt understand what they were saying. Then the brutal abuse began. Rape, torture,sex…we werent ever allowed to say no. We had to participate in it or else. No one ever tried to fight them. There was no point. It all seemed to go on for hours. I’m not completely sure how long the torture went on, but eventually it stopped. They’d drive us home then as if nothing happened. We’d have to get up for school the next day, as if we’d slept soundly the night before. This was our life. A life no child should ever have had to endure. Tonight I am thinking about all this. My heart pounds, my head aches. My eyes burn with salty tears. I try to put on the radio to drown out the sound of internal screams. It is agony. I dont want to remember any more. Please. Make it stop. I’ll do anything for it to stop.

Carol anne

If I could tell my abusers something, I’d say…

Tags

Abuse, Abusers, Alters, Child abuse, Cult abuse, Did, Dissociative identity disorder, Letter to my abusers, Ritual abuse, Sexual abuse, Writing

You hurt me, really hurt me. Not just physically. But emotionally…mentally, sexually, every fucking way you can imagine, you hurt me. You caused me to split. My mind couldnt take it. So I created alters, insiders, to help me to cope. You caused that. It wasnt because I am crazy. It was because of your abuse. It was because of what you did. You caused my rages as a kid, you caused people to hate me. I hated myself. I shouldnt have hated myself. But its hard not to when everywhere you turn there are cruel gestures, words spoken, acts of cruelty. Everyone thought I was a liar, I was the crazy one. You were the liars. You stole my innocence. You stole my life. You stole my childhood. I hate you. I hate every last one of you. Some things that you did, I’ll never get over. How do you get over being almost strangled? Being almost drowned until you passed out and almost died? Being sexually tortured? Getting raped with objects? Having to participate in a porn ring? Being sold for money? How does a person get past those things? I cant. But some day you’ll have to pay. Some day. I know the truth. My close friends, doctor and therapist know the truth. And I am not beyond help as you always made me believe. Some day you’ll pay.
Carol anne

I HURT

Tags

Abuse, Alters, Child abuse, Cult abuse, Did, Dissociation, Dissociative identity disorder, Mental illness, Ritual abuse, Sexual abuse, The system, Trauma

I FUCKING HURT. I HURT PHYSICALLY. I HURT EMOTIONALLY. I HURT MENTALLY. I JUST FUCKING HURT.

I DONT CARE IF PEOPLE THINK IM A PUSSY WEAK ASS GIRL FOR SAYING SO. IM A DARK. IM NOT SUPPOSED TO LET MY GUARD DOWN. BUT HELL THINGS ARE SUCKY. THIS FUCKING MONTH SUCKS. I HAD TO DO REALLY FUCKING AWFUL SHIT FOR A LOT OF YEARS, AND, YOU JUST DONT GET OVER THAT SHIT. YOU CANT KNOW UNLESS YOU’VE LIVED IT. UNLESS YOU’VE HAD TO GO THROUGH TORTURE IN THE NAME OF SATAN.

I DIDNT WANT TO PARTICIPATE IN FUCKING RITUALS. BUT I DIDNT GET A CHOICE. NO. NO CHOICE IS GIVEN TO YOU WHEN YOUR IN A CULT. ITS DO OR DIE. IF YOU WANT TO SURVIVE YOU DO WHAT YOUR TOLD.

THE MEMORIES ARE TORTURE. THE PAIN IS SEVERE. THE TURMOIL IS FELT RIGHT THROUGH THE SYSTEM. IF YOU GENUINELY DONT KNOW WHAT RITUALISTIC ABUSE IS, I ENVY YOU. CUZ I FUCKING WISH I DIDNT. I WISH I WAS SOMETHING OTHER THAN A DARK, BECAUSE MOSTLY DARKS GET A BAD RAP AND A BAD NAME. BUT WE’RE JUST LIKE ANY OTHER INSIDERS IN THE SYSTEM, WITH THE EXCEPTION THAT WE’VE GONE THROUGH MORE, TOOK MORE FOR THE SYSTEM, HELD MORE OF WHAT THE OTHERS COULDNT FACE.
SO YEAH. LIFE IS A FUCKING BITCH. TODAY, I HATE IT. TODAY, I HATE THE WORLD.

THINK I’LL CALL OUR THERAPIST LATER TODAY. SHE’S ALWAYS GOT MY BACK. I CAN TALK TO HER ABOUT ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING. IT FEELS GOOD TO KNOW SOMEONE IS THERE FOR ME. MY PSYCHIATRIST ISNT HALF BAD EITHER. A LITTLE MORE DISTANT YES, I HAVE MORE OF A RELATIONSHIP BUILT UP WITH OUR THERAPIST, BUT I DO ALSO TALK TO DR BARRY SOMETIMES. SHE IS OK AS DOCTORS GO. AT LEAST SHE WANTS TO TRY TO UNDERSTAND US AND WHERE WE’VE BEEN WHICH I THINK IS GOOD. WELL I HAD BETTER RAP THIS UP. THANKS FOR READING IF YOU GOT THIS FAR.
LIZ

Preparations for upcoming bad dates

Tags

Abuse, Alters, Child abuse, Cult abuse, Did, Dissociation, Dissociative identity disorder, Medication, Mental illness, Ritual abuse, Triggers

So by now you, our readers know that this month is bad for us. The worst part of the month is halloween and that is because we are ritual abuse survivors.

Last night during therapy we spoke a little bit about halloween and what we would do on that date. I told eileen I wasnt going near our parents house, because our niece and nephew would be there, going trick or treating, dressing up, and I cant be around that due to triggers.

Eileen asked me if I could have a friend come stay with us. I could, but I really dont want to do that. You see, we’ll be in a heightened emotional state, and we’ll be more likely to switch due to that. Well, most of our friends dont know about the did, and so I dont feel comfortable around them when we’re very switchy or in a really vulnerable state.

So probably what I’ll end up doing is staying home alone, being on the phone to my so, and hoping that no kids knock on my door. They probably will, but I wont open it. I have to take care of us first and foremost on that night. Its going to be hard enough to get through the night what with all the triggers it brings up.

If things get really difficult I’ll probably have to take something like a sleeping tablet or something similar. I have to first ask Dr Barry to prescribe one for me. She knows this month is one of our most difficult, so I’m sure she will prescribe meds for us without much persuading.
Carol anne