It is me Alicia. I had an interesting talk to our therapist tonight about anger and about my anger and how i can lessen it. It went like this.
Me: Eileen, Im so angry at you, and, I was so angry at you on Monday.
You see on Monday carol anne called Eileen, after she called the police lady back who’d phoned us on Sunday night. During our call to Eileen, she said someone else was calling her and she had to take the call, but that she’d phone us back. She didn’t do it though. Later that evening she texted us to say sorry and ask how we were, but by that time I was furious with her.
So tonight I ripped into her about it.
Me: You really messed up Eileen. I don’t want to trust you any more. Its not worth it.
Eileen: Its ok to feel angry. I let you down. But just because I let you down, doesn’t mean our relationship is over. Its not all or nothing.
Me: Yes it is. I don’t need your help. I don’t need anyones help.
Eileen: Alicia, it must be so difficult for you to hold the anger about this. What do you need from me?
Me: I need you to admit your mistake.
Eileen: I own it. I didn’t call you back. But that doesn’t mean I forgot about you. The intention to do it was there. I sometimes have a crappy memory. It was only when I sat down and had a space to breathe, that I remembered. I am sorry I let you down.
Me: um, really? Ok. I guess sorry is good enough. I’m sorry too for being so angry at you. I busted up our room you know, it wasn’t pretty.
And I did. On Monday evening I tore up our room when I was angry. But the anger wasn’t just at Eileen. I’d been angry at our abusers too. So I was already raging. When she didn’t do what she said she would, i threw her in alongside my abusers, I wish I never did that, because she’s nothing like them. But in the moment I couldn’t see that. I was swallowed up in anger.
When I finished up bursting up my room, I started to cry. I told Carol anne to kill me, that she hates me, and i hate myself, and I am a horrible person. And nobody should like me because I don’t deserve any one to like or care about me. Eileen said it sounded like I was turning my anger inward and thats not good for me to do that.
So it went like this tonight
Eileen: How would it be to pause the anger, just when you get to the point of it turning into rage. How would it be to say “I am angry at Eileen, but I will talk to her about it, instead of busting up my room, and gturning it inward on myself.” Me: I suppose I can try that.
And I will try. Because I want to become a better person, a person who is more in control of her anger and anger outbursts.